Regrets

I was sitting at the table closest to the door of the busy café with John. He was talking enthusiastically about the concert and how wonderful it had been. I tried to pay attention to him, following his excited hand gestures with my eyes, but not registering what his moving lips were saying.

A group of young ladies walked into the café and I recognised them immediately. Just about an hour ago, I had been sitting with John in the impressive Royal Albert Hall, watching and listening to them play. John had bought us tickets to see the famous orchestra to celebrate our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary.

“What did you think about the show, Margaret?” I finally heard him ask. He was looking at me with questioning eyes. I looked at him, taking in his blue eyes, chiselled face and a neat, greying beard.

“I enjoyed every minute of it dear” I replied, pasting a smile on my face, but once again I was drawn to the group of young ladies ordering their coffees at the counter. I watched them talking and smiling amongst each other. One of them was holding a violin case that caught my attention. She looked like she was twenty years old – her face glowed with youth and pride. I remembered she had caught my eye during the concert as she played her violin. I stared at her with a feeling of awe and envy, for she reminded me of myself when I was her age.

I could have been playing the violin at impressive concert venues too, I thought to myself, if I had made the right choices thirty years ago. Instead I had wasted my musical talents pursuing frivolous goals. Now I’m condemned to sit in the audience and applaud. I would never take to the stage myself and receive applause.

I heard John saying something about another cup of coffee.

“Sorry?” I asked.

“Do you want another cup of tea, Margaret?”

I shook my head. “No I’m okay, thank you”

I watched John as he walked to the counter. Then I looked at the young girl again and I wanted to relive my life.

Lunch Break

Joan was walking along the High Street during her lunch break. It was a lovely day, summer was finally on its way after the grey and dreary winter and a wet spring season. She was in a good mood this afternoon. She was a month into her new job as the fashion buyer for one of her favourite high street fashion stores, and she was enjoying every minute of it.

Earlier, she had held a meeting with four up and coming designers who were desperate to get their clothes into her store. The designers had brought the best picks of the new summer collection into her office and she got to pick and choose which items her store would stock. She loved the power it gave her. It meant the designers were willing to give her tons of free outfits if she could get their clothes to the shop floor.

She walked past the café where she usually bought her lunch and paused outside for a second. She decided to try something different today. A new sandwich and salad bar had just opened at the end of the street. She quickened her pace and crossed the road.

The bar was buzzing with the usual media and fashion crowd on their lunch break. She went up to the counter to see what they had to offer. As she was scanning the menu, she heard a voice that made her freeze.

“Joan?”

It was Alex, her ex-boyfriend. He was her ex-fiancé actually. Of all the things that could happen to ruin her day, this ranked among the worst.

“Er, hi Alex” she managed to say with a forced smile.

“Fancy bumping into you here!” he said, confidently walking towards her.

“Yes, I just came to get some lunch”

“That’s great” he said. He was close now; close enough for her to smell his aftershave. It was so familiar, she felt drawn to it. But she took a step back. This was Alex after all, the guy she had spent the last five months crying over. Their break-up had been messy and just when she thought she had finally gotten over him, they had bumped into each other two weeks ago at a friend’s party. She did not know whether it was the alcohol or something else, but Joan had lost her senses that night and fallen for Alex again. All she remembered was, she woke up in his bed the next morning. Hating herself more than she hated him, she had hurriedly scribbled a note for him and fled his flat in panic.

Seeing his face again brought all the humiliation and pain back. Then she realised he had asked her a question.

“Sorry?”

“I asked if you worked nearby” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes I do” she said, trying to keep her voice level. It seemed to have morphed into a high-pitched squeak. “What about you?”

“Oh I work nearby too” he smiled smugly, like he had won an argument. “I actually own this place”

“Oh” Joan said, the words catching her by surprise. “Well…”

“I’m glad you could drop by” he interrupted her. “Perhaps you’ll have lunch here everyday? You could win a date with the owner, you know?” Then he gave her a wink and a wicked smile.

Hearing those words, Joan’s stomach twisted into a knot. She shook her head and ran out of the bar. The afternoon’s brightness did nothing to cheer her up as she ran back to her office, trying to hold back her tears.

Wrong Blogger Connection

Her blog was one of the first blogs I came across soon after I joined blogspot in 2006. She came to my blog to leave a "Welcome to Blogville!" comment, so I decided to pay her blog a visit. I enjoyed reading her archives so much that I immediately bookmarked the link. She came across as a very down-to-earth, fun-loving and intelligent person, with a great sense of humour. I started visiting her blog regularly, leaving comments and urging her to update.

From her posts, I got to know more about her. We seemed to have a lot of things in common. We were about the same age, she was a Christian like me, we had similar hobbies and interests. I found out that she lived in Lagos, had just finished her service year and was working in one of the new banks. She was single and looking to meet Mr Right. Her many tales of disastrous dates she went on kept her readers hooked. Sometimes though, she wrote inspiring and encouraging posts that everyone could identify with. Her blog became very popular in blogville and I even forwarded her link to some of my friends who were not bloggers to read.

One day I wrote a sad post and she sent me an email after reading it to cheer me up. I was very grateful and soon we started corresponding by email and we became blog-pals. Then one day I got a Facebook friend request from a name I didn't recognise. I ignored it, until the same person sent me a message, and it was my blog pal! Somehow she had tracked me down and discovered my identity. I didn't mind at all, and I was actually flattered that she took the trouble to search for me on Facebook, and that she was willing to reveal her own identity too. I accepted her friend request at once, and we became Facebook pals as well. I went through her albums and I saw that she was really pretty. It turned out we even had a mutual friend who had gone to the same university as she did. We kept in touch regularly, writing on each other's walls and leaving comments on each other's photos and stuff.

Then towards the end of last year, I sent her an email:

"Hey girl, guess what? I'll be coming to Lagos for the Christmas and New Year break! I should be around for three weeks. Do you want to meet up?"

I got a reply a few hours later. She sounded excited and her reply was:

"Wow girl that's great! We must definitely see o. Let me know exactly when you'll be landing. I can't believe I'll soon meet you, gosh it feels like I've known you for ages already. My number is xxxxxxx. Give me a call when you land in my town"

I looked forward to meeting her, as I thought it would be one of the highlights of my trip.

I arrived in Lagos one Wednesday morning and was met by my aunt and uncle I would be staying with. Immediately I could, I got a sim card and bought credit to inform my friends, including blog-pal that I was in town. I had so many people to see, places to go and things to do in the three weeks I would be staying for. My aunt was also planning to celebrate her 50th birthday party on Boxing Day. She wanted it to be a grand affair so I joined her and my cousins with the running around and preparations.

After a few days, I noticed that my aunt and her husband were not on very good terms. They seemed to be either snapping at each other half the time, or ignoring each other completely.

I asked my cousin about it, one afternoon, when we were in the car together.
"Kemi, what's going on with your mum and dad?"
She looked at me and I could see she wasn't keen to explain. "Well they are having some problems"
"I noticed. What kind of problems?"
She concentrated on the road ahead of us.
"I can't explain right now" she said. "I'll give you the full gist later".
I was curious but I could sense her reluctance and I decided to let it go, hoping that my aunt and uncle would work their problems out.

Meanwhile I had been speaking to my blog-pal regularly and we finally arranged a time and place to hook up. We decided to meet at the Silverbird Galleria. I was so excited to meet her that I got my cousin to drop me there an hour early. While I waited for her to arrive, I browsed the media store, bought some books and a magazine. Then I went to the top floor, bought some popcorn and browsed the mag to while away the time. Soon I got a text from her and I texted back, telling her to meet me at the top.I recognised her immediately I saw her from her facebook profile. She was even prettier in person. We greeted each other like we were long-lost friends, which in a funny way, we were. Soon we were chatting away about this and that over lunch . We got on so well that no one observing us would guess that we were just meeting each other for the first time. I took some photos with my camera and I promised to put them on Facebook later. After the meal, we saw a movie and afterwards, she had to leave as she had a long journey back home. I wanted to meet her again if it was possible.

As we walked down the stairs, I asked her, "Are you free on Boxing Day?"
"Uhm, let me see, I've got a wedding, one of my colleagues from work. Why?"
"My aunt is celebrating her 50th birthday that day"
"Oh I see, whereabouts is the party happeneing?"
I told her the venue of the hall we were using.
"Oh that's not too far from the reception venue. I'll see if I can leave the reception early to come for the party, but I'll let you know"
"It would be great if you could make it" I said.
Outside the galleria, we hugged each other goodbye and then she got into a cab, while I waited for my cousin to come and pick me up.

On the day of my aunt's party, my cousins and I were so busy helping to set up everything and attending to guests, that I almost forgot my blog-pal sid she might come. I did notice that my aunt and uncle seemed to have put their problems aside, at least for the benefit of the guests. They were smiling and posing for the cameras throughout the party and my uncle didn't leave his wife's side for one minute. They even looked the part, when they were on the dance floor together.

While I was busy serving a particularly fussy woman, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up and I saw my blog-pal smiling at me. I was so glad she could make it.
"Hi girl!" I said. "Please take a seat, I'll join you shortly"
But then she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't stay. I have to go now"
I was surprised and I said "Ah ah, you've just come now. Wait for me I'm coming"
She shook her head and took my arm. "I can't stay, I'm in a hurry. I just came to see you"
I asked a steward to attend to the woman I was serving and walked outside the hall with her. She looked uncomfortable as we made our way out of the hall. I was slightly disappointed that she couldn't stay, but I said okay and I saw her off to the exit . She waved at me and promised "I'll call you tomorrow!"
So I hugged her and waved goodbye.
I turned back to go into the hall and as I was taking the stairs at the entrance, I saw my cousin walking towards me as fast as her tight Ankara skirt and high heels would let her. She had a very angry and disgusted look on her face.
"What are you doing with that girl?" she demanded. "Where do you know her from?"
I told her that blog-pal was a good friend and a very nice girl.
My cousin looked as if she was about to slap my face.
"That girl is my dad's girlfriend!" she shouted. "She's the one causing problems in their marriage! How dare you invite her to my mum's party?"
I stared at her in shock. I could not reconcile the words she was saying with the lovely person I had just said goodbye to.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I managed to stammer.
"I said she's my dad's mistress! And you're telling me she's your friend?"
"I'm so sorry, I-I didn't know", I croaked.
"You better hope my mum didn't see both of you together" my cousin hissed and turned her back to me, walking away.
I stood there, still reeling from the information I had just heard. It just didn't make sense. I couldn't believe that the girl I had been reading her blog for months, become virtual friends with, and hung out with a few days ago, was the same person dating my uncle and threatening my aunt's marriage.

I had the feeling that I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

When We Talk About Love

I picked up my jacket and stormed out of the restaurant after ten minutes. Tom got up and ran after me. The waiters and other diners looked at us strangely but I did not even give them a backward glance.
“So where are you going?” Tom asked as he caught up with me. “All the other restaurants along this road are fully booked”

“I know you wanted to make Valentine’s Day special” I replied, pausing to catch my breath. “But to me, love is more than this - showing up when it suits you and making excuses.”

“Linda, I think you are over-reacting”.

“I’m not!” I shouted, drawing curious looks from passers-by and a man selling flowers at the stall on the corner.

“Please calm down”, Tom said. “I know you are upset but please….

“Look at this Tom” I cut in angrily. “You ignored my calls last weekend when I needed you, but then you turn up at my office this evening with presents and a dinner reservation for two. What am I supposed to think?”

Tom sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

I had to admit, he looked good this evening. He was coming from the office and he looked sharp in his suit. When he showed up at my office and told me where he was taking me for dinner, I was secretly impressed with his choice of venue for the dinner reservation. I had been thinking of trying the same restaurant for a long time but I was holding out for a special occasion. It had looked particularly warm and inviting from the outside this evening. The staff had replaced the normal bright lights with soft glow lights and placed red roses on the tables. The tables had been rearranged specially to create little cocoons for lovebirds dining out tonight. In all, it looked like an environment where love would blossom and it would have been really special if Tom had not upset me last weekend.

“I’m sorry Linda” Tom sighed. “But can we go back to talk inside? It’s cold out here”

I paused for a few seconds, searching his face to read his emotions.

“Okay” I finally relented. I let him take my hand and lead me back into the restaurant. The waiter at the door raised his eyebrows when he saw us coming back in. Tom sheepishly asked if we could have our table back.

“Of course sir,” he replied, beckoning us to follow him. “This way please.”

We got back to our table and sat down again. The waiter set the menus before us and took our drinks order. Tom ordered his drink and an expensive bottle of wine for later. But I was in no mood for anything fancy, so I just ordered mineral water. I faced Tom squarely and started speaking as soon as the waiter left to get our drinks.

“Everything was going fine until last month” I accused. “You seemed to go cold; you cancelled two dates and started making excuses when I tried to see you”

“Linda, I told you that the past month has been quite hectic. Between moving to my new place and getting promoted at work, I have been really busy”.

I raised one eyebrow. “Busy? You have always been busy since I met you, that is not a good excuse for ignoring me last week and the weekend before that”

Tom and I had been dating for just over a year. Even though we really liked each other from our first meeting, our relationship had gotten off to a rocky start. I had been sceptical about starting a relationship with him at first. While we were still getting to know each other, I found out he had a very clingy ex-girlfriend. Her name was Kerry and she did not want to admit that her relationship with Tom was over and he was now seeing someone else. In my opinion Tom had been rather too easy on her, still taking her calls many weeks later and gently trying to persuade her to let go of their relationship. I guess, in his defence he couldn’t help being the perfect gentleman. Even though I thought it would have made things easier if he had been firmer with her. Eventually three months into our relationship, she got the hint and drifted away quietly.
Then I got to know she resurfaced last month. And that was about the same time Tom started acting suspiciously. I wanted to trust Tom and believe that everything was alright between us. But the last time I visited him at home, I found something that worried me. At first I thought it didn’t matter, but I decided to confront him now. I figured out that if he confirmed my suspicions, then I would break it off with him and move on with my life. I have had to deal with worse situations than a break-up on Valentine’s Day.

“Everything will be okay soon you’ll see” Tom was saying. I thought he sounded nervous.

“You have become very secretive.” I said. “I can’t believe you bought a new place without telling me.”

“Linda you know I explained that I didn’t want to tell you about the house initially, in case the sale didn’t go through”

“Yes, but the last time I was at your old place, I asked you if you were moving soon, and you said no”

“At the time I wasn’t so sure. You know I had just been promoted at work, I was working longer hours and I still had a lot of loose ends to tie up” Tom said pleading with his eyes.

I decided to take a softer line with him, but I still had to get to the bottom of the issue bugging me.

“I understand that, but we have always agreed to let each other know what’s going on in our lives no matter how busy we are. How can we have a good relationship if we don’t communicate?”

Just then the waiter brought the drinks and asked us if we were ready to order. Tom suggested that we should go for the Valentines Day special set menu and I nodded my agreement. The waiter left and Tom reached across the table to take my hand.

“Linda, I love you and I really want our relationship to work out” he said softly.

“When you talk about love, what do you mean? Open discussions or secrets?”

“I…well...alright, open discussions”

“And love includes faithfulness doesn’t it?”

“Yes it does”

“Then what about her?” I countered.

“Her… who?” he said, seeming confused.

“Kerry” I finally said.

He took a deep breath. “Linda, she is out of our lives for good.”

“When was the last time you heard from her”

“Three weeks ago”

I had to ask. “Did she call you?”

“Yes she did, and she called from a number I didn’t recognise. If I had known it was her, I wouldn’t have answered the call”

I shook my head. It was like my fears were being confirmed.

“Believe me Linda. Kerry was just calling me to say she was moving to Australia and nothing more”.

That was a surprise. “She said that? So she’s moving half-way across the world?”

“Yes, she has a new job and a new boyfriend. She actually sounded very happy to tell me that”

I heaved an inward sigh of relief but this wasn’t over yet.

“Okay, one more thing” I said. “What about the jewellery?”

The look on Tom’s face said it all.

“How did you know about that?” he choked.

“I found the receipt” I said calmly. “Now just go ahead and explain that too”

“Excuse me for a minute” Tom scrambled from his chair and hurried off towards the bar.
I saw him talking to the bartender, and pointing at our table. I looked away because even though I had imagined this, I couldn’t have imagined how it felt to be betrayed by Tom. I had trusted him too much, I thought to myself. I decided to leave the restaurant before I burst into tears.

Just as I got up, Tom came back and held my hand.

“I’ve got something for you,” he said reaching for his pocket. “I was going to wait till later, but I should do it now”

He paused and said, ”Linda, will you marry me?”

Valerie

Valerie desperately tried to choke back the lump in her throat. She could feel her face growing warm and her eyes were beginning to sting. She managed to stammer "Thank you" to the judges as she bowed her head and shuffled out with her shoulders slumped. Outside the studio, she leaned against the wall and took a gulp of air. She breathed slowly, to calm her racing heartbeat.

She thought about the audition and what the judges said. They had slated her performance without mercy. At the end, the casting director told her that she was too tall and her face was "not quite right" for the role. She imagined that she would have to repeat those words to her agent and it pained her all the more."I'm so sorry, I didn't get the part," she would say, and he would express his disappointment like he always did. She had failed three auditions in the last month alone. He was patient enough, but had high hopes for this part. "I've found you a part with your name written on it" he had said cheerfully. She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks and hunted in her bag for tissues. She decided to go and see her agent now before he called her, eager to hear some good news.

She wiped her eyes and ignored the curious glances of passers-by, as she walked towards the bus stop. A bus arrived shortly and she got on it, walking to the back. She slumped into a corner and rested her head against the window."What am I doing wrong in my auditions?" she thought. Maybe the judges just didn't like her. Maybe she was not a good actress after all.

"But I want to be an actress, that' what I know how to do", she said to herself. Ever since she could remember, she had dreamt of becoming a famous actress. When she was a little girl, she used to amuse and entertain her parents and their guests, acting little plays. She loved watching movies, memorising her favourite lines and imitating the actors later when no one was looking. In school, she had been an active member of the Drama club and acted in every talent show or drama the club put on. She remembered that both her drama teachers had been impressed with her talent. One of them even promised her "a brilliant career in acting" if she worked hard and stayed focused.

The bus arrived at her stop, jolting her out of her thoughts. She got off, crossed the road and started walking slowly. Then she heard quick footsteps behind her and moved out of the way to allow whoever it was to walk past. But the footsteps seemed to stop behind her and she was startled when a female voice said, "Excuse me?"

Valerie turned around and stepped back when she saw the lady standing in front of her, carrying a folder and a huge handbag. She was fashionably dressed and she looked polished and confident, which only made Valerie feel like shrinking away from her.

"Hello, my name is Marie", the lady said brightly. "I'm a scout for Storm"
"Wha- I'm sorry?" Valerie stammered.
"Storm, the biggest modelling agency in the UK" Marie explained.
Valerie blinked in confusion, wondering if she was imagining things.
Marie was still talking. "We are holding a search to find new models for our new campaign". She stepped closer to Valerie. "I think you are perfect for us, you've got a striking face and a graceful walk"
Valerie was stunned. The only thing she could say was "Oh?"
"Definitely" Marie said. "Have you ever considered modelling? You've got the figure and the look"
"Em... really?"
"Sure" Marie said breezily. She fished a card from her handbag and handed it to Valerie. "I would love it if you gave me a call tomorrow". And with that she walked off in her high heels.

Valerie stood stunned for a moment, gasping and staring at Marie as she disappeared. Then she looked at the card in her had. Slowly the realisation sank in that a model scout had just spotted her! After all the rejections in the last three months, she was finally picked for something! She wanted to scream with pure elation and excitement. She found her mobile phone and made a quick call to her mum as she ran to her agent's office.

Time is Ticking

We seem to think that time stands still

Because we hardly notice when it passes

We sometimes forget that every minute counts

Even the minutes spent busying ourselves doing nothing

We only notice time in huge leaps –

In days, months and years

We overlook the fact that those days, months, years

Are made up of those seconds and minutes

That ticked by when we were not looking